Esmé Weijun Wang describes how it is to live with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, through various vignettes where she recalls her lived experience: from the struggle of getting a diagnosis which then doesn't completely cover the symptoms, to finding ways to cope with the most unsettling delusions. 

I found it a great way to learn more about the collected schizophrenic disorders. Wang's writing style is to the point, easy to understand, insightfully personal and at times quite funny. 

I primarily read this book to mark trigger warnings for my partner so they could proceed with this book in an informed way. Of those triggers, there were lots. Going into the book, certain experiences TW

involuntary hospitalization

can't be left out, but it would have been better to have them collected in their own chapter, so the people who don't want to read about them can avoid them.  I appreciate the fact that the author did do this for a topic that was very triggering for me to read, and which I had to skip altogether a fe pages in. That chapter is called "John Doe, Psychosis" and goes into TW

rape and pedophilia

in a graphic way. 

Advice for people looking to read this book but who know it might be triggering: 
TW

If you are looking to read this book, but know the topic of involuntary hospitalization might be triggering, have a friend read through it first and mark the personal accounts before you do so. Throughout the whole book, Wang provides short, but personal and graphic recallings of her own involuntary hospitalizations.

If I have the time and energy I'll experiment with providing a list of trigger warnings for this book, with page numbers, but it's honestly generally not a safe read. I believe it to be in the authors right to write about these topics, of course, but I think it could've been handled more carefully. There is no use of trigger warnings in the book. I would think a core part of the audience interested in this book is suffering with similar experiences this book details, so it's sad that the book didn't make an effort to be a safe read for that audience.

At times I found the stories in the vignettes boring when I didn't see the connection to the overarching theme of the chapter (yet). When I did though, I found this style of writing fresh and engaging, leaving a certain effort to the audience to link the stories together. I think this book is a succes as a memoir, but lacks in (what I am more interested in) scientific explanation. I know schizophrenia is not a well understood disorder, but I left this read with about as much scientific understanding as I went into it. On the other hand, Wang's personal approach was engaging and informative in its own right. 

In conclusion: a good (albeit unsafe) read on one persons experience with schizoaffective disorder. 

This memoir and single case study gave me so much more insight into schizophrenia while also putting a face and a life and a background to the topic. I read the audio book and I love that the author narrated it so I was able to connect more with her and her story. 

I knew a bit about schizophrenia before reading this book, but this has given me so much more insight that I greatly appreciated. I feel that when I go into reading more case studies in the future I will always think of this book when anyone is dealing with or treating someone with schizophrenia. 

This was an enjoyable and informative read. 

This book  flew by! Wang weaves her personal narrative into a broader societal and historical context of mental illness smoothly and poignantly. She writes with impressive clarity and reflectiveness. I was so moved by her different descriptions of her own experiences and those of the people around her. She illustrates the detours, rabbit holes, alternative paths, and dead ends of diagnosis and treatment that are so often overlooked around complex conditions. Her writing is frank without being hopeless. I also appreciate how she moves between traditional and non traditional treatment mindsets/approaches/paradigms in a way that’s grounded in her own needs.

Highly recommend this book, especially to those wanting a better grasp of chronic illness and schizophrenia.

Kinda lost me on the last two chapters on the mysticism side. That stuff is just nonsense. But as someone who identifies with a history of PTSD and ADHD, I have a ton of appreciation for every other part of this book. Especially discussions on having children, the ephemera of diagnoses, etc. Awesome and recommended reading for most.

This is a tough one to try and rate. I thoroughly enjoyed this book but did recoil at the pseudoscience and mysticism in last 20% or so. I was raised in a family that attempted to treat my childhood and adolescent illness with a wide range of expensive pseudoscientific remedies, and while I don't deny that Wang seems to gain grounding and comfort from the experience, I struggle to ascribe good faith motives to the practitioners treating her chronic health issues with similar costly means. I take issue with the author on many a point, but still found her perspective fascinating and her writing compelling. 

 I have been meaning to read this one for a long time and finally picked it up from the library. I don’t really know a lot about schizophrenia – not for real, all I know is from tv and media. And I’ve seen nothing but amazing reviews of this nonfiction/memoir from an author who is diagnosed with not only schizoaffective disorder, but also bipolar disorder and late-stage Lyme disease. It sounded fascinating and educational and I’m so glad I finally read it. 

 

So, my intro basically covers the overview of the book’s contents, so I’m going to jump right into the review, because I have a lot I want to say! Also, because of all the myriad reactions I had, this is going to be ones of those reviews where I kinda just put everything out there with bullet points and hopefully it makes some semblance of sense. Hang in there with me: 

-          Just the first few pages and Wang’s discussion of the struggle between recognizing the reality of suffering in contrast with the fight for humanity in the face of neurotypical society was already blowing my mind. 

-          I loved the look at diagnosis, the various perspectives on its usefulness, necessity, etc. It was fascinating to look at the various explanations for mental illness, from witchcraft, astrology, psychiatry, neuroscience/biological markers, Chinese medicine, a gateway to higher thinking/creativity, and more. Really opens the eyes to how long and how widely people have had to contend with mental health issues. 

-          There was a deep and desperate theme throughout of being “terrified and constantly let down” and “desperation and not knowing what to do” as a reality of living with schizophrenia, as both the person affected or their family. The emphasis on running out of options, the limited options available, was affecting and profound. 

-          A nuanced and evenly-keeled look at the burden of care on family versus a diagnosed person’s ability to determine their own reality/treatment, especially with consideration on involuntary commitment and medication. 

-          Honestly, overall, I felt like this was an insightful investigation from (well I suppose not from, but of) multiple POVs. Very candid and non-judgmental in consideration, which is so impressive, considering the personal investment and life experience Wang has in what she’s writing about. 

-          Wang’s commentary on capitalist society, the universal/complete value of productivity that leads to looking down on those who cannot produce (i.e. the mentally ill who struggle to “hold” a traditional job), is so condemning and necessary.  

-          The complication of person-first language, the question of whether the mental health diagnosis is NOT, in fact, an integral part of the person, is a perspective I haven’t really read much about before. I really appreciate reading that extra consideration and the insight into what is, at base, a person’s choice to define themselves for themselves – and the point is, basically, to just respect that. 

-          Who draws the lines demarcating acceptable behavior and not? What. A. Question. 

-          Amazing interrogation of how “insane” people aren’t believed unless they’re admitting to insanity/self-harm ideation. This about it. So, this being the case, how do we actually know and when do we start to believe it’s not a “lie” and they are actually feeling better? Never? Mind. Blowing. (Also, the effect of that in cases of involuntary hospitalization.) 

-          Not as personally interesting to me, I did really enjoy reading about the (very blurred) lines between mysticism and insanity, historically and today. 

 

Yup. Overall, this this book was simply, breathtaking, jaw-droppingly educational and insightful. The way Wang interrogates how we define and consider and react to illness, as well as the full reframing of the way we see and define illness and wellness, is stunning. With that, very much necessary to note that Wang’s bravery and vulnerability in sharing these intense and scary (to herself) parts of her with us readers are just…beyond. I’m so grateful to her and to have read this book. 

 

The following passages are ones that really stuck out to me while reading. Some refer back to the bullet points above and some stand on their own, but they all really affected me and I wanted to note them here: 

 

“As in most marginalized groups, there are those that are considered more socially appropriate than others, and who therefore distance themselves from those so-called inappropriate people, in part because being perceived as incapable of success causes a desire to distance oneself from other, similarly marginalized people who are thought to be even less capable of success.” 

 

“…no self [that] can be untangled from the pathology they experience.” 

 

“The clients, or patients, exhibit their illness in ways that prevent them from seeming like people who can dream, or like people who can have others dream for them.” 

 

“...a primary feature of the experience of staying in a psychiatric hospital is that you will not be believed about anything. A corollary to this feature: things will be believed about you that are not at all true.” 

 

“Some people dislike diagnoses, disagreeably calling them, boxes and labels, but I've always found comfort in preexisting conditions; I like to know that I'm not pioneering an inexplicable experience.” 

 

“For those of us living with severe mental illness, the world is full of cages where we can be locked in.” 

 

“A fictional narrative is considered nuanced when it includes contradictions, but a narrative of trauma is ill-advised to do the same.” 

 

“Among psychiatric researchers, having a job is considered one of the major characteristics of being a high-functioning person. ... Most critically, a capitalist society values productivity in its citizens above all else, and those with severe mental illness are much less likely to be productive in ways considered valuable: by adding to the cycle of production and profit.” 

 

“Forgiveness, as it turns out, is not a linear prospect. Neither is healing. Both flare up and die down; so do my symptoms of schizophrenia disorder. I have tried to control these “oscillations,” as my psychiatrist calls them, but what, if anything, can be truly controlled?” 

 

“What the writers confused state means is not beside the point, because it is the point.” 

 

“Sick people, as it turns out, generally stary into alternative medicine not because they relish the idea of indulging in what others call quackery, but because traditional Western medicine has failed them.” 

 

“…hope, which is not the same thing as faith. Hope is a cast line in search of fish; faith is the belief that you won’t starve to death, or if you do, God’s plan could account for the tragedy.”