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A review by melodyonline
Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationsh by Stan Tatkin
3.0
Well... it was better than [b: Attached|9547888|Attached The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love|Amir Levine|https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1311705552s/9547888.jpg|14434316].
I don't know what to say about this book. On the one hand, the chapters that focused on attachment styles and how our brains work was great to read. The science seemed solid. I especially liked the lists of practical things you can do and say to help you develop a healthier relationship with your partner no matter the attachment style. I felt that he was much more respectful of avoidant types than the Attached book. I really liked the stories about the couples (bonus points for giving us hypothetical queer couples, too). I felt that I finished this book with specific information I can actually apply to my life and my relationship. To me, that's the whole point of a self-help book, so he nailed it in that regard.
On the other hand, once we move away from the discussions about attachment styles, the latter chapters are just straight up relationship advice and it gets... a little sketchy?
There's some seriously unhealthy shit he encourages in the second half of the book that I found to be really intense and not at all the kind of blanket advice a psychologist should be giving to couples. There was so much talk about your partner being your primary source of support and telling each other EVERYTHING and having go-to lines you can say to make your partner feel better.
First of all, you can't make your partner feel anything or do anything, a psychologist who specializes in couples (and is writing a whole damn book specifically aimed at couples!) should know that. Second, the "couple bubble" sounded a whole lot like codependency. And the illustrations only seemed to support that. Third, this is a book about attachment styles. He acknowledged that for people with insecure types something like being very emotionally intimate with a partner would be extremely difficult. And yet, he insisted that that was the way to go if you want to be in a healthy, happy relationship.
Don't even get me started on the chapter that insinuated that physical touch and long periods of eye contact can heal physical ailments and that partners should always sleep together in the same bed and wake up and go to bed around the same time. It didn't have anything to do with attachments, really. It really rubbed me the wrong way.
So I'm not fully recommending this book. The attachment parts were great, like I said, but the rest is not good.
I don't know what to say about this book. On the one hand, the chapters that focused on attachment styles and how our brains work was great to read. The science seemed solid. I especially liked the lists of practical things you can do and say to help you develop a healthier relationship with your partner no matter the attachment style. I felt that he was much more respectful of avoidant types than the Attached book. I really liked the stories about the couples (bonus points for giving us hypothetical queer couples, too). I felt that I finished this book with specific information I can actually apply to my life and my relationship. To me, that's the whole point of a self-help book, so he nailed it in that regard.
On the other hand, once we move away from the discussions about attachment styles, the latter chapters are just straight up relationship advice and it gets... a little sketchy?
There's some seriously unhealthy shit he encourages in the second half of the book that I found to be really intense and not at all the kind of blanket advice a psychologist should be giving to couples. There was so much talk about your partner being your primary source of support and telling each other EVERYTHING and having go-to lines you can say to make your partner feel better.
First of all, you can't make your partner feel anything or do anything, a psychologist who specializes in couples (and is writing a whole damn book specifically aimed at couples!) should know that. Second, the "couple bubble" sounded a whole lot like codependency. And the illustrations only seemed to support that. Third, this is a book about attachment styles. He acknowledged that for people with insecure types something like being very emotionally intimate with a partner would be extremely difficult. And yet, he insisted that that was the way to go if you want to be in a healthy, happy relationship.
Don't even get me started on the chapter that insinuated that physical touch and long periods of eye contact can heal physical ailments and that partners should always sleep together in the same bed and wake up and go to bed around the same time. It didn't have anything to do with attachments, really. It really rubbed me the wrong way.
So I'm not fully recommending this book. The attachment parts were great, like I said, but the rest is not good.