4⭐️??

did i almost dnf this like 3 times? yes.
did i also finish it in under 2 days because i couldn't put it down? also yes.

clearly, i have a lot of conflicting feelings about this book.

i was not expecting the high school setting. tbh i spent part of this pretending the characters were in university and not high school. if tv has taught me anything it's that american high school and university are basically the same except that one of them costs a lot of money and has fraternities/sororities 😂

if you're the type of person who only reads books with MCs you can relate to, then this probably isn't for you unless you're an awful teenager with issues. there's a lot of problematic behaviour in this book, but it's a pretty accurate reflection of some peoples lived experiences. (and just because it wasn't your lived experience, doesn't mean it's not true)

you'll spend a lot of time not liking the characters, bc they are very unlikable for a lot of the book and that's kind of the point. these aren't characters who are thriving during the peak years of their lives in a perfect fictional world. they are characters who struggling to find themselves, learning who they are/who they can be, and learning who they don't want to be.

i also really appreciate the way misha's sisters death was handled. we often see grief from the pov of the parent who loses a child, but the experience of the sibling is usually forgotten. the effect that the death of a younger adult has on the siblings and how that effects all the relationships in the family is so complex. i think that was handled really well and quite accurately here.

there's a lot more floating around in my brain, but i can't get the words right for now, so maybe i'll edit this later with some more thoughts. or maybe not. who knows.