The writing style was incredibly stiff at the beginning, to the point I started a running "Aroused/Arousal" word use tally, but as Lori got more comfortable, the words started to flow, not feel as awkward. 
By the end, I thought it was a really cute way to show how awkward and nervous she was at the beginning, I just kinda wish we had gotten a little more insight into Anders a little faster. 
This was a Reddit suggestion and I think it was a good one!