This book was a mixed bag for me. Some of the things I loved. Esp. the chapter on the elementary school years. Some things I totally disagreed with (like experimenting with drugs/sex is ok if your child is old enough/uses protection). A net positive I think. Definitely got me pondering parenting issues.

Some good stuff in here, just can't make myself read this right now.

A good summation of positive parenting techniques, mostly focused on the definition of "success" and "failure." Instead of the relentless focus on academic success that drives some kids to stressed, sleep-deficient, self-harming states, Dr. Levine encourages parents to recognize that "in the real world, success has all kinds of different faces." And instead of seeing our work as parents as "crisis intervention," she advocates a paradigm shift to refocus on "our most important job--to provide a calm, secure, and loving haven for our children as they go about the challenging business of growing up."

As soft and fuzzy as this sounds, it doesn't mean coddling or "helicopter parenting" or building your entire world around your children; rather it means finding the right balance of oversight and freedom at each stage of your child's development. It means seeing your child for who s/he is, with his/her attendant strengths and weaknesses, rather than those you project on them because of your past experiences, current desires or future dreams. It means developing "warm, supportive relationships" with them so they are more "open to advice and guidance" from you.

The book separates kids into three categories by age, roughly equivalent to elementary, middle and high school. I'll admit that with a 10-, 6-, and 3-year-old, I read the elementary section most intently, though some of the pointers for middle-school-aged kids are already starting to be pertinent with my 10-year-old. I mostly skimmed the high school section.

Dr. Levine breaks each section down into important skills or qualities for children to develop and ends each section with "How Parents Can Help," providing several specific, actionable points. Don't trivialize difficulties. Help your child find and develop 'islands of competence.' Stay curious with your child. Encourage questions. Value academic risk taking. Point out the effects of your child's behavior on others. None of the advice is really new - I've read lots of parenting books and I've encountered most of these ideas multiple times - but I appreciate how Dr. Levine packages and presents the information.

Frankly, the middle-school section scared me a bit. Statements like this one: "Our system of education for this age group is largely a misery and the middle schoolers' well-documented needs for adequate sleep, flexible study time, multiple breaks, and quiet, restorative time are ignored. Add to this a stew of hormonal and brain changes. Mix in difficult issues like sex, drugs, and academic pressure, issues that were previously reserved for high school students with more coping skills. And don't forget that researchers have documented a host of negative effects simply from the transition into middle school, including lowered achievement, destabilized social relationships, and reduced self-esteem." Eeek. Or "It is actually parents, rather than teens, whose mental health is most negatively affected during the early adolescent years. Moms in particular bear the brunt of their teens' irritability." Lovely...

In the third part of the book, Dr. Levine discusses what she calls the "resilience factor" which includes seven essential coping skills kids should learn in order to be successful in life: resourcefulness, enthusiasm, creativity, a good work ethic, self-control, self-esteem, and self-efficacy. I found this section to be particularly helpful and full of practical suggestions, both "do"s and "don't"s.

The final section contains some exercises to help you and your family identify your core values and guiding principles, and to create a family action plan. It ends with the encouragement that "We are never 'finished' products" and that with self-reflection, we can identify and choose to change behaviors that are not helpful for us or our children.

For more book reviews, come visit my blog, Build Enough Bookshelves.

In a way, this book is a compliment to the Tiger Mom mentality. Levine breaks down the science of children, showing why kids do what they do at certain ages and how to best supprt their growth. She doesn't necessarily deal with the most difficult cases, but it was interesting insight.

Overheard at the beach this morning

Kid: "I don't want to play soccer anymore. I don't like it"
Mom: "Well you're playing soccer so learn to like it!"

My heart breaks for this kid and for this Mom. The fact is that our system is broken and it's hurting our kids. But our fear of losing out, our fear that our kids won't be able to get ahead, is keeping us from just breaking the system and replacing it with a new one. We deny that it's a problem. We over-schedule with activities and overemphasize the wrong measures of success. We are overly fixated on "special" and "extraordinary" which denies the reality that most kids (and most of us) are average.

We deny that success is available to ALL. OF. US. and not just a elite few. Because that is true. We can all be successful. We just have to acknowledge that success looks very different for different people.

We are ignoring the most important skills that we need to teach our kids to be capable and healthy adults (resilience, self awareness, flexibility and empathy) and instead we are propping them up for "success" (grades, activities, elite schools, money) which actually harms them.

This book should be required reading for all parents. It is empathetic, well researched and supportive of both parents and children.