4⭐️??

did i almost dnf this like 3 times? yes.
did i also finish it in under 2 days because i couldn't put it down? also yes.

clearly, i have a lot of conflicting feelings about this book.

i was not expecting the high school setting. tbh i spent part of this pretending the characters were in university and not high school. if tv has taught me anything it's that american high school and university are basically the same except that one of them costs a lot of money and has fraternities/sororities 😂

if you're the type of person who only reads books with MCs you can relate to, then this probably isn't for you unless you're an awful teenager with issues. there's a lot of problematic behaviour in this book, but it's a pretty accurate reflection of some peoples lived experiences. (and just because it wasn't your lived experience, doesn't mean it's not true)

you'll spend a lot of time not liking the characters, bc they are very unlikable for a lot of the book and that's kind of the point. these aren't characters who are thriving during the peak years of their lives in a perfect fictional world. they are characters who struggling to find themselves, learning who they are/who they can be, and learning who they don't want to be.

i also really appreciate the way misha's sisters death was handled. we often see grief from the pov of the parent who loses a child, but the experience of the sibling is usually forgotten. the effect that the death of a younger adult has on the siblings and how that effects all the relationships in the family is so complex. i think that was handled really well and quite accurately here.

there's a lot more floating around in my brain, but i can't get the words right for now, so maybe i'll edit this later with some more thoughts. or maybe not. who knows.

Ein etwas anderes Romance Buch.
Ich habe es genossen es zu lesen und konnte mit mehreren Charakteren relaten. Vor allem da ich auch selber Mobbing erlebt habe und mir das Buch geholfen hat ein bisschen meine Ereignisse zu verarbeiten, auch wenn es mich ein paar Mal zum Weinen gebracht hat. Ich habe es auch geliebt, dass die Hauptcharakterin mal nicht das typische brave Mädchen war, wie in den meisten Büchern, sie war anders, sie war fehlerhaft und nicht perfekt, und genau das machte sie perfekt in meinen Augen. Jeder von uns hat seine Fehler und Macken, um es in Mishas Worten zu sagen "Everyone is ugly, the only difference is some hide it and some wear it". Perfekt fande ich auch den Charakterwandel in dem Buch, der hat mir sehr gefallen, sowohl bei Ryen als auch bei Misha. 
Und die Story, den Plot und die Lovestory fand ich besonders und schön, aber denke man hätte es alles besser umsetzen können.

Upon finishing this novel, I'm left with the overwhelming feeling "WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST READ???"

The pros, the positives of this novel...the author deftly handle that this book is simultaneously an enemies to laver and friend's to lover story woven tight together with dramatic irony. This author showed a masterful hand at creating and holding romantic tension and angst that drives the emotional heart of this story. 

The romantic core of this story is solid as an old oak tree. We really have 2 character with 2 emotional arc and journey that are resolved by understanding their love for each other. When an author can nail that I'm turning pages. I blew through this novel.

Lastly, I was actually surprised by Misha's ending. I literally didn't see it coming. Which was refreshing as I thought I had everything pegged. It has been a long while since a plot line was actually laid in a romance that I didn't clock by the reveal. It was really refreshing. Felt intentional and well earned. Loved that.

The cons: I don't know if these are cons per se, but I personally don't like it. This is a bully romance. Idk if I'd have picked it up if I knew that going in. Not only do they bully each other, there a lot of nastiness in the novel. At times, it's genuinely off-putting. I know for some scissors to the throat, some of the rough handling, some of the words for each other and their classmates. Fucking crazy. Legit...triggerwarning bullying.

Secondly, call me a prude if you want, but I hate smut with high school students. I don't care that they're 18. That not some magical get out jail free card for me. They're literally school children. It's disturbing to me to be that graphic and then talk about 4th period. The sex was not only really graphic but shockingly adult. Then, the scene hard handled with maturity. 

That anal scene - kind of horrifying. She immediately says she's not interested. They get busy. He flips her over and says you should trust - do you trust me? He is verbalizing consent, but it still feels tinged with coercion, and that grosses me out. There are more few instances in this novel where Misha/Masen pushes this girls sexual boundaries in a way I don't feel comfortable with.

For however complex Micha and Ryen are, Trey and Lyla are comically villainous to an 80s stereotype extreme. Hamming their action is distracting and ultimate detrimental to the novel. 

Overall, there is a good romantic heart to this story, but a specific sub-genre of this novel isn't what I typically like to read. Let's be very aware that this book could be a poster or after-school special for dubious consent.