4⭐️??

did i almost dnf this like 3 times? yes.
did i also finish it in under 2 days because i couldn't put it down? also yes.

clearly, i have a lot of conflicting feelings about this book.

i was not expecting the high school setting. tbh i spent part of this pretending the characters were in university and not high school. if tv has taught me anything it's that american high school and university are basically the same except that one of them costs a lot of money and has fraternities/sororities 😂

if you're the type of person who only reads books with MCs you can relate to, then this probably isn't for you unless you're an awful teenager with issues. there's a lot of problematic behaviour in this book, but it's a pretty accurate reflection of some peoples lived experiences. (and just because it wasn't your lived experience, doesn't mean it's not true)

you'll spend a lot of time not liking the characters, bc they are very unlikable for a lot of the book and that's kind of the point. these aren't characters who are thriving during the peak years of their lives in a perfect fictional world. they are characters who struggling to find themselves, learning who they are/who they can be, and learning who they don't want to be.

i also really appreciate the way misha's sisters death was handled. we often see grief from the pov of the parent who loses a child, but the experience of the sibling is usually forgotten. the effect that the death of a younger adult has on the siblings and how that effects all the relationships in the family is so complex. i think that was handled really well and quite accurately here.

there's a lot more floating around in my brain, but i can't get the words right for now, so maybe i'll edit this later with some more thoughts. or maybe not. who knows.

I stayed up till 3am binging this book last night and finished it as soon as I got back home after running errands today. The spice was spicyyy, but the plot was fully there. I decided to read it in between Hideaway and Kill Switch and I absolutely adored the pop ups from my favorite characters in the Devil’s Night series.

I related to Ryen so much, it physically hurt. The pain of wanting to fit in with the popular kids at school is something that I think almost everyone has experienced and I truly appreciated the way Penelope Douglas portrayed her as a character.

Since going back on my ✨meds✨, I haven’t been able to cry, but I’ll tell you what.. I was SO close to breaking down when that last plot twist hit us. The raw emotion from Misha and the devastating conversation had me yearning to be able to shed tears and if I wasn’t mentally stable thanks to a little (Dr. prescribed*) pill, I would have been bawling my eyes out.

Ready to resume my Devil’s Night reads— Penelope Douglas has quickly become one of my new favorite authors. 🖤

This book is great! I found this entire read very enjoyable and there was lots of emotion and an amazing plot twist at the end. The epilogue being five years later was the perfect addition to the end of the story. I kind of wish this book was longer and maybe even a series. This is only my second Penelope Douglas book and I continue to be amazed by her writing and her writing style is so easy to read. It’s very fast paced in this book particularly.. 
i’m rating this book a 4.75 because I honestly might read it again

time to rant.....

okay so I wanna start by saying that if you liked this book, I totally respect your opinion and I honestly wish that was me because I wish I could like every book I read especially one that I've been wanting to read for so long. 🫶🏼

my face throughout the whole book was like this: 🤨😬😐

but anyways, I hated literally every single character in this book and SO MANY scenes gave me the ick.

these characters, both the main and the side characters had everything I absolutely hate about real life people... lying, faking and the worst thing of all.... bullying.... (and beyond).

I hated Ryen so much, I honestly didn't sympathise with her once over her constant explanations on why she was how she was..... I have zero sympathy for bullies and the dude she bullied is better than me because when she apologised, I would've given her the middle finger and told her to fuck off.

and Misha was annoying and a weirdo. obviously I sympathised with him over his sister, I can't imagine having to go through that but everything else... brother ewww... also, wtf is his problem with taking no's??? I feel like she constantly said "oh I don't wanna do this rn" and he would persuade her???? hello???? police????? and if I remember correctly there was even a moment where he threatened something (I just don't remember what LMAO).

I'm gonna admit that there is one thing Ryen pissed me off for but it's because I'm also guilty of that and I hate that about myself, which is choosing bad friends (HOWEVER as bad as I've chosen, I'd never let them bully other people in front of me, much less me joining them in the bullying).

and I think this is how I realise I do in fact have a limit on how much smut I mind in a book..... for me, it's the same if a book has smut or doesn't, I don't mind either way but now I know there's definitely something as too much smut. (or maybe it's because the rest of the book had a shitty plot, who knows). but I definitely thought this book had a bit too much.

also, can we talk about how this was set in high school?????? I know teenagers have sex (even tho I didn't LMAO) but come on....

this was my first ever Penelope Douglas book and I have Birthday Girl on my tbr but now idk if I should read it. but I guess I might give her another chance with that book, but we'll see.

 

So yeah, I've been curious about this book on and off for a long time, and I'm glad I'm finally getting around to reading it. Premise is interesting and the first part of the book is drawing me in.
Seriously though, spice, passion, mystery, and an emotional thrill ride, this book HAD IT ALL. I hadn't wanted to read this due to have already read quite a few secret message/pen pal lovers by now, and most were great, others "eh, it's okay" but lacking, but THIS is probably the very best one I've read in that genre.
To be fair, the book takes places AFTER Misha and Ryen have been writing to each other for seven years, and although we do get a few glimpses of some past letters, they are not actively writing each other at this point and know each other, even though their identities are secret. In addition, Misha has stopped writing Ryen for a good three months, which in and of itself becomes a mystery to her among many other things. What happened? Misha was her life-line, her best friend and confidant, even though she has never met him in person. The two are twin flames, and she has fallen for him mentally and emotionally. But maybe the same can't be said for her? Either way, she doesn't know, and the angst of not having him in her life becomes too much so she feels she has no one to talk to, no one to relate to, something I feel I myself can relate with. But with Ryen, that angst had turned her into something else. A lie. Something she hates. She ends up creating this persona that isn't her, a personality that she thinks will make everyone like her, even if it is only just superficially. Nevertheless, the pain eats at her, and she acts out in ways, no one would ever imagine.
Enter then, Masen, who we know from the get-go is actually Misha. He shows up to her school one day, on a covert mission (of which I had to sit there and guess until nearly the very end, and when that ending happened...WHOA). He's had one encounter with Ryen in the past, of which Ryen wasn't aware of, but seeing her in person in school, in her own surroundings, he feels anger and disappointment. The deep, thoughtful, insightful, intelligent girl he had fallen in love with in the letters was actually everything he hates, superficial, shallow, a "mean girl". He feels cheated and duped, and can't help but act out in anger against her when they do collide. But...something about her, even when she's acting in ways that makes him cringe, is wrong. There's more to Ryen than what he sees on the surface, and he's set to finding out what that could be.
All this takes place while the school has a vandal on the loose, writing strange, esoteric messages on the walls and in other places for the student body to see in the morning from the night before. Ryen has a strong feeling Masen, the mysterious, yet forbidden boy that she's grown to hate due to his animosity towards her, may have a hand in it all. As much as she can't stand him, and he her, these two can't stay away from one another, and course, sparks fly, heating up and igniting the page as I go (that Drive-in and Library scene??? Oh man, that was FIRE). Against her best judgment, she is fallen for Masen, and she thinks he may be falling for her too, but something is holding him back from letting them together. It is the secret he's been holding out on, as it would only destroy her.
This book is extremely well-written, and although there's a lot of smut involved (and very good smut at that), I really enjoyed the emotional connection between Ryen and Masen/Misha. I also felt a lot of sympathy for the struggle each of them are going through. The book focuses a lot on Ryen and her own insecurities, her feelings of being alone, but toward the end, we got a lot of Misha too, the mystery of him unravelling little by little. What IS Misha doing in the school if not for Ryen??? What did he steal from the principal's office when he snuck in the school one night??? I know it had a lot to do with him losing his sister, which he talks about quite frequently in the story, but by the end, EVERYTHING tied together so well and came full circle. Once Misha's secret was revealed, everything made sense that didn't before, and we see a disillusioned, broken boy in search of "his tribe" the way Ryen was searching for hers. The finale during the prom was perfect, and I loved how when Ryen decided to drop her mask, her real friend who had been there all along came forward, and they hall worked together to bring down the school bully. One of my other favorite moments is when Misha shows Ryen all his tattoos when she accused him of not caring or thinking about her, showing her that she was in the music the whole time (this was the most beautiful romantic moment I've read--well, ever).This was a story I wish I had written or I wish existed when I was younger, as these themes still speak to me today. Yeah, I know there's a lot cursing, abusive behavior, and many times both Misha and Ryen act despicably and can be unlikeable, but I'm the kind of reader who always wants to ask "why?" and dig until the end. Not that I think people can't have their own opinions, as I know this is why some people DNF'd the book and gave it a low rating, but I really do think they should've stuck with the book to the very end. I promise it's worth it.